Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
