Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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