Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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