Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
