When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize