So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
