Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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