You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
