Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
