i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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