Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
