i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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