I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
