There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize