im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize