the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
