Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
