I just pynch a tree in the face
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
