bring money and cleavage
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
