It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Randomize