the condom got lost in my hair
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
