I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
