i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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