So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i was born a porn star she said
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
