Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
