Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
