The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
