false alarm. still invincible.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
