I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
