in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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