i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
