I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The feeling are messing with the penis
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize