Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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