I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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