he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
