Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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