I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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