just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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