I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
