Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The beer is more important than you right now.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
