yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
