the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
