WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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