Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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