i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
