I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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