i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
