We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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