I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It's rum buckets o'clock
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
