After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Randomize
