WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
