I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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