I'm gonna have a badass scar
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
