ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
