Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
