I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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