I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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