sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
