I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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