So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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