tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
