I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
from now on my penis is your penis
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
